life lesson

With Love Always, To My daughter.

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So Mother’s Day is coming up Sunday but today is Mother’s day celebrated in Mexico.

As this day comes up each year, it brings a sense of sadness and emptiness to me. I absolutely dread Mother’s day and Fathers day as a matter of fact. I’m not going to lie, I wish I could just hide from that day all together. Its just a reminder that my Mom- who was both Mom AND Dad…..isn’t here with me.

I dread the days leading up to it as my co-workers ask and discuss what I will do for the big day. I avoid all discussions, carefully navigating and hiding so I am not put on the spot to explain why I don’t have plans for Mothers day. Its a tough situation to be in since not every one knows my personal story.

The first few years after she left were the hardest, the last few years have been easier but the pain and emptiness in my heart and life is still there.

As that day comes approaches…….I stay in bed a little longer and stay away from any kind of social media. Its bam in my face letting me know I no longer have my Mother here. I envy seeing all the pictures of Mothers and Daughters posted and wish I had more pictures with my Mother to share. I was so young and never fully appreciated all that my Mom did for me. As an adult I look back and think she was the bravest, strongest woman I knew and wish I could have told her how she is my hero and how I am so much like her.

I like to think she knew how brave and strong I was—The moment I knew she was the most proud of me was when I moved to San Antonio. I knew it hurt her to have her baby girl move away to a city where I literally had no family or friends and was moving on a whim to follow my hearts desire.

One of the last things she sent me was a little piece of decoration, something you find at the dollar store, a poem named “With Love Always, To My Daughter”. I remember getting it and thinking wow this is kinda cheezy Mom….really? But it was just my Moms  way of showing me how much she loved me and how proud she was of me. You see my Mom and I didn’t always get along as I was growing up, but as I moved away I had finally learned why she did all that she did to push me to be Miss Independent and I finally understood her love for me.

This is probably one of the most cherished items I own today:

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I remember after she had passed I found this and thought to myself this is one of my most prized possessions.  Its not much but the fact that this came from my Mom it means more to me than anything because I don’t have a lot of things from her. If only I could speak to her once more to tell her my life’s achievements and problems, if only I could hear her sassy comments, if only I could have introduced her to Jonathan and know she would love him as much as I do, if only she could see her grand babies all grown up and the little ones carefully figuring out life, if only I could have one more moment with her again………

So……This year, I’m trying something different……..This year I do have plans, this year I have plans to do things my Mom liked. This year I will TRY to make that sadness and emptiness a little less hurtful.  This year I will be tough and face the world, because as my Mom would say……Big Girls Don’t Cry.

My advice to you if you still have your Mom here with you today, make sure to give her a little extra hugs today from me and my Mom. Remember to value your time with your Mom and learn all that you can from her.

You NEVER know when your time with her will come to an end. So treasure every moment, every phone call, every opportunity for a picture, every moment you think she’s annoying, every embarrassing moment….everything about your Mom. Learn to appreciate and never take anything for granted because there are people like me who are wish they could take your place and have their Mother here with them today.

Xoxo,

Lyssa

 

 

Season of Changes-continuance of the Butterfly Transformation.

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I recently took a chance and went for an opportunity that just came into my life. Whether the outcome is good or bad, I am proud of myself for at least seizing the opportunity. I had an internal struggle of whether I should go for it because I am not the biggest fan of change. Then I remembered a life lesson, learn to accept the changes because they happen for the right reasons at the right time.

This time four years ago, in a certain chapter in my life, I was a happy person well at least I thought I was. I was a person stuck in a safe bubble not really living life. I thought I was happy and had all that I ever wanted and what I dreamed of, but God had other plans for me. God decided it was time to bust my bubble and break me out of the lifeless life I was living and flipped my world upside down.

At first I was in denial, I tried to patch the hole in my bubble that I had previously patched so many times and pretended that everything could go on the same as it did. I was in shock, numb of everything around me, I cut myself off from everyone and the world. I soon learned that the patch on my bubble could not hold any longer and it came off exposing me to hurt and anger. I tried to bargain with God, “Please if I change my ways can you please take me back to my safe bubble?”

When I received no response and knew that the looming changes would start to flow into my life, I was angry at the world, I was angry of those around me, and I blamed myself for the brokenness of my bubble. In a very short amount of time, change after change came into my life that I had no control over, I had to move on and learn to live outside of the bubble. This was not the first time my bubble has been broken but this was the first time it exposed so much of me. I soon lived in a numb world full of sadness, and grief, I had just suffered a great loss. I lived in this world of sadness that seemed to be never-ending.

It took a long time but I finally made it back to the surface and back to reality. I finally realized that the new changes in my life were awesome changes and that they were leading me to even more awesome and amazing opportunities. I came to accept the fact that I needed my bubble broken and I needed to expose myself to the ultimate vulnerability in order to confront my past and get rid of the negativity that it held. One day I woke up and decided I LOVED my reality and the changes that had taken place. God has taken me to a place I had never dreamed of, whether he had this in the works for me or not I am forever grateful that he broke me out of that chapter in life. I look back and think yes I could have been happy but I am even happier that God placed a curve in my path leading me down to a path of self-discovery and positively that has made me stronger more confident person.

Change is good, and even though it still is hard for me to accept I know its coming and it will come at the right time when I am least expecting it.

I feel like my whole life has been about perfect timing, I have been so lucky in my last few years of my life that opportunities and changes come to me at the right times. I like to think that my Mom, God and guardian Angel are all always watching over me and preparing me for what is coming my way.

So sit back and be grateful for the forever changing of the seasons in life and for the changes that bring on new chapters in your life story.

XOXO-

Lyssa