03/04/2019

Hi Mom….it’s me Alyssa again.

Tomorrow will be 10 years that you have been gone from our lives.

It’s crazy to think that I’ve lived 10 years, a decade, one third of my life, without you …..My Mom, who was both Mom and Dad. It’s not fair, I still needed you.

It’s really crazy to think that I’ve lived without my biggest fan and supporter for so long. Let’s be real, I am who I am today because of you. I am where I am today because of you. I never had the chance to say or express “Thank you”, I have to live with thinking that you knew that I was grateful for all you did for me. The sad thing is I feel that we didn’t have the best relationship when I was growing up, I never understood why you pushed me the way you did, and I hated it. It was not until I moved away on my own to San Antonio, without family or friends, that I realized why you did what you did. I took you for granted and it’s been something that’s been heavy on my heart since you’ve been gone.

I have so many questions that I wish I could have asked and now I probably will never get the answers I am yearning to know.

………….. What did you want to do when you graduated high school? Who were you in your 20’s? Were you happy when you moved from Corpus to Houston at such a young age? Were you nervous when you first became a mom? When you were pregnant with me, what was my actual due date? Was I supposed to be born on the 4^th of July? How did you go into labor with me, were you excited when you found out I was a girl? …….Who was Margie Contreras……Who was Margie Campos…?

It makes me sad to think that Adrian and I had such little time with you. We had the Mom that was a single parent, overworked, unhappy, and did all she could to provide for two kids with the little help that our Dad was able to provide. Looking back, I don’t even know how you were able to do it all, but somehow you always managed to ensure we had a roof over our head, clothes on backs, food in our stomachs and made sure we did well in school. Gosh, I don’t even know how you managed to put on a Quince for me, but thanks to you I graduated from college and promise to continue to make you proud.

As I’m writing this, I keep thinking back to 10 years ago, to this very day and think of a conversation Adrian and I had. I don’t remember who called whom, but I remember I was telling Adrian how you had called me the day before and wanted me to stop by and see you in Houston while you were back in the hospital a second time. Adrian and I joked around on how dramatic you were being, because we knew you, we knew how you were, and we both agreed that you would be fine, you would get better and that you would be home soon. At the end of the conversion Adrian told me he planned to go see you in the morning. Little that I knew March 3^rd, 2009 was the last time I would ever get to talk to you or hear your voice.

I’ve come to realize that the day you left, a part of you was left with all of us. I feel that I got the part of you who was brave, independent, and strong—-A Survivor! These strengths have gotten me through the last 10 years, some of the toughest and hardest years in my young life- and I wish you were here, just so I can hear you say—“f*ck him”( you know what I’m talking about). Every time I hear Reba McEntire—“I’m a Survivor” I think of you.

Without you it’s been hard. So many nights I have cried to you, talked to you and I hope you are listening, small signs do tell me you are. In the time you’ve been gone, and the years that have passed, I’ve learned and grown so much. Mom, I hope I’m making you proud. I hope I am the woman you wanted me to be.

I hope you do see us, all of us and check in from time to time. Adrian has grown to be a great Man, you would be so proud, I know I am! I wish you could be here to see all of your grandbabies, gosh they make me feel so old. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and think of your sassy personality, so many people knew you and your big smile, i wish i got that part of you.

I Miss you, I Love you, and I will never forget you. Tomorrow as always, I will listen to Que Me Lleven Canciones—by Mazz, and not let the day get me down, but hopefully it will bring me joy in remembering you.

Love always,

Lyssa